if only...

I don’t know if I have a problem with my personality. It seems I’m always misinterpreted and viewed as deviant. When I think I’m doing the right thing to help out a friend that’s the time I get to be seen like a bad person. What’s the problem with me? Is it because I have a different approach in dealing with others? Is it because I’m weird and have an unusual view on things around me? Or am I just a terrible friend?

There were many instances in my life that made me doubt myself. Although, some people would say that no one should change for anyone, sometimes I just wish I did. I think that I have to change my whole personality but I know that it will be hard. I’m comfortable with myself being like this but maybe I’m not considering others or maybe the other way around. In this case, I know I’ve done my part to meet them halfway and I expect the other half to carry it out so it will be okay. It leads me to two more questions----Was my effort not enough to meet them half way? ---or was I expecting too much?

I’m not a strong person, but I wear a mask to appear like one. I have my feelings which I make an effort to hold back so I won’t look so feeble. In most of my problems, I’ve cried my heart out and have let trouble defeat me in my own territory. I’ve been a wounded warrior and it took me a lot of time to learn my way through all these battles. If I would change now, that means going through all those swords, spears and guns intended for me. I don’t think I still have the courage like that of the lion in “Wizard of Oz” or the protesters who continue to fight for their principle with water cannons aimed at them. The fact that I have to return to a kind battle where I would lose my being, which I’ve struggled to find, makes me worry.

My dilemma continues. I don’t know if it will be worth losing my self once again and  be a good friend. For me, I think I’m alright with the way I am right now but with these things happening I can’t recognize how should I be. Others will probably say just be the person you want to be but how could I do that if there’s conflict in the situation. It makes me sad that what I thought was okay turns out to be different. Sometimes I just feel like crying when I’m misunderstood because it hurts my feelings especially if I have a really good intention in doing something. It compels me to cry but I hold back my tears long enough so that no one will see. I try to hide it all inside and draw a smile in my face but if only they knew, that I’m like a burnt coal---cold and ashy on the surface but burning with too much pain in the core.