one question

I was caught off guard by a question. A question I didn't expect to come between "Hi's "and "How are you?" plus those silly topics and so it really took me a while to answer it.

It goes:

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE REALLY OVER ME?

My heart pounded like crazy but my mind felt like it stopped working. After a few seconds, I've realized there were tears in my eyes. I tried to answer the question, I scanned every corner of my mind looking for that moment when I was able to say that I have moved on or at least the time when I've 'decided' that I'm fine. I couldn't remember.

All I know was, the last time I saw him I wasn't over him. It was last year, a night out with him and the new girl of his life. (Yes, I know...it was totally masochistic to a agree to hang out with them.) Anyway,this was the only thing that came up when I tried to look for the answer in my head. So I told him about it but added "then a few months after that I was okay already."

So there...I said it. After a few months since I saw him, I was over him. I think he believed my answer. Good. Now, why can't I convince myself with that answer.

I doubt myself that I'm truly over him.Maybe the real question here is "HAVE I REALLY MOVED ON?"

confessions of a masochist

I was browsing my phone and I found a blog I made a year ago. I'm used to putting my ideas on my phone when I don't have a pen and a paper nearby.

I made it last May 18,2009.Here it goes. . .

>>>>>>>>

It started when I gave everything to someone. I became vulnerable. After a while, I was so into that person---I've fallen for him. I've fallen way down deep and I can't get out anymore. Then, he left. Just like that, my whole world tumbled down and he was nowhere to be found. I had only our memories for me to cling on and with those;I've tried to spend more time with him. I kept on playing them in my head as my way of keeping him but I never noticed those memories were tainted with the pain of his leaving.


I wanted to move on and get him out of my system. I was doing well in forgetting him, I didn't think of him as much as I did before. However, I can't do much anymore as if I don't have the strength to carry on with my life. I decided to listen to our songs, look at his pictures, and recall the words he said when he left. I found myself inducing the pain of the past to make me feel real again. That's when I've realized , pain makes me high.

NO MORE ellipsis . . .

An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis) (apostrophe and elipsis mixed).

Before, I often use ellipsis ( as you can see on my previous blog entries). I used it either to indicate an unfinished thought or trail off in silence. But most of the time, I improperly use it at the end of every sentence. I don't know why I use it a lot but I think subconsciously I meant there's still a continuation to my story. Maybe because I used to think that with all the pain I was going through, there was still a 'happily ever after.' waiting to finish my story.

But I know better now, I'm no longer obsessed with the 'happy ending' stuff. I've seen a little of the harsh reality and I know there's still a lot to come so I better be ready---there's no prince charming who will come and save me.

Now I know that when pain comes, it should end there. I must put and end to it right away because I don't need to wait for someone or something. I can put an end to it. After all, what's the point of prolonging the pain when I know I can make it stop.

LOST

I feel empty. I was always a drifter but now my soul has drifted from me. I need to find it, and when i do...i know i should stop wandering. i must set my goal and work on getting it now. Not tomorrow,but NOW.

ironic.

lying on my bed, looking at the ceiling of my room as the gloomy weather outside seem to find its way to me. i'm listening to a playlist of songs of my past which i try to run away from. IRONIC. i've been trying to run away from the past which i would really, by heart,would like to go after.

welcome back my-old-less-caring-self

I tried to be a caring and showy friend but I guess timing was not on my side. I wanted to be there for someone but I got rejected. So now, I’ve decided to welcome back my-old-uncaring-self or maybe just my-old-less-caring-self because I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore.

I used to be a safe person, I don’t take risks before and so I save myself from rejection. I used to be a very passive person, I always wait for them to come to me, instead of reaching out---it worked out just fine.

It worked perfectly for my ego, at least back then, I can be charged with negligence and still not care about it because that’s just me, I’m a person who always wait for the other end to meet me where I stand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a VIP. I’m just the laid-back-happy-go-lucky-girl who doesn’t want to leave her comfort zone especially when it comes to relationships and effort.

Generally, I’m a risk-taker but not with relationships (not anymore). I don’t like not being appreciated for my efforts because when I do give, I pour it all out.

RISK-TAKER + FEAR OF REJECTION or FAILURE = RELATIONSHIP

---I know it doesn’t add up, but that’s me…an equation with an error.

I’ll always be misunderstood especially by people not willing to spend a moment of their precious time to figure me out. I don’t have a lot of people around me who truly get me, but I’m really grateful for those few real friends for they saw that there’s more than the “Hazel” that meets the eye,

…and I know they wouldn’t mind having my-old-less-caring-self around.

beyond repair

I know I shouldn’t miss you but I really do. That empty feeling is back again and it’s my fault. Shouldn’t have peeked in your profile, shouldn’t have browsed your photos, and shouldn’t have gone on-line--- lot of “shouldn’t have’s” .

I don’t like having this emptiness as my company. Thinking of you this way scares the hell out of me but I just can’t help myself. Imagine, just a glance at your recent photo and I found myself searching your face anywhere I went. Yes, it’s that bad.

I am beyond repair.

11:41pm
November 20, 2009