Dear Friend

March 18, 2013

9:51PM

I'll be channeling my inner 'Charlie' (Perks of being a Wallflower). I'll try to write to his 'Friend' who listens and understands and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though he/she could have.

Dear Friend,

I am writing to tell you how my day went today. I just don't know how to share this with other people. I think it's much easier this way. I get to express what I feel without thinking too much of gestures, facial expression and I can avoid eye contact. ( I don't know, I just feel uncomfortable looking people in the eye while I disclose my innermost feelings) I'm not the mysterious type of person, I just prefer writing.

Okay, so here's the thing, most of my friends from work are leaving. Some will work in other companies, and some will just go on their way with their reasons. It makes me really sad knowing that our days together are numbered but I know I can't do anything about it.I could only accept the fact that they're leaving and I could only hope that things were different---that they didn't have to go. I can't tell them how I really feel because I know it will ruin things. Like tonight, I was chilling with two of my friends at our chill spot in the office after work while listening to our favorite band. I told them while one of our most loved song was playing that it was probably the song that brought us all together---the song that started our crazy friendship. We were singing our hearts out, and for a few silent seconds I realized that I will truly miss them I've realized that the sad part is really near. I don't really like goodbyes. I'm bad at goodbyes. While I was sitting there, I wanted to tell them that I will really miss them. I wanted to tell them that for the past few months we've known each other, they sort of become like family and knowing that they're leaving makes me feel that I'm losing the family I've cherished for those few months. I wanted to tell them all of these but I'm afraid that my tears will win over me so I held back. I couldn't even look them in the eye as we sat there silently. I just felt that when they catch a glimpse of my eyes, I'll breakdown right there. Yes, I was afraid my eyes would betray and destroy the facade I've carefully built.

I'm sad that they are leaving but at the same time I'm happy that they are slowly making their dreams come true.So I'm sad and happy at the same time, I don't know if that makes sense but that's how I really feel right now. All I can do now is take a deep breath, and savor the few weeks remaining that I'll be with their company. I guess I should stop writing now, I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry because I don't want them to remember me with tears, I want them to remember me with a smile on my face---a smile that somehow they are responsible for.

P.S: I even made a playlist for them. I hope you can listen to it here.

Love always,

Hazey

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

"It is now my favorite book of all time, but then again, I always think that until I read another book." - Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

After Dance,Dance, Dance my next read was The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (Okay, I had to Google for the pronunciation of his last name and found a lot of suggestions. Anyway, I just say "ch-bos-kee" under my breath.) Enough of my nonsensical comments. I really loved the book, I like how it was written. Chbosky's style was refreshing for me. It is now my favorite book of all time(as of the meantime).The series-of-letters-narration adds a personal touch to the story.Plus, Charlie's innocence is like a reality-check. It makes you think of the choices you've made, the stories you've heard, the scenes you've seen and how you dealt with them. It reminded me of those events in my life that made me who I am right now, and I also had a chance to re-think the decisions I've made. I wondered how things have gone had I took a different path.

Anyway,here are a few lines I really liked from the book. 

"And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad." -Charlie

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve"- Bill

"It's much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have french fries with your mom be enough." -Charlie

"I feel infinite." -Charlie

Dance, Dance, Dance

“What we seek is some kind of compensation for what we put up with.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

Last week, I have finished reading Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance. I really enjoyed the novel. The story takes you in the borderline of fantasy and reality. The story is unpredictable and surreal. Reading it was a worldly pleasure but the learning from it was such a beautiful experience for my soul.

For me, the book is like a reality check especially when I read that line above. I guess after everything I've been through this past weeks, it's the exact description of what I'm feeling. I am seeking for some kind of compensation for everything that I have put up with these few weeks. To tell you the truth, I've been struggling really hard with the challenges that life throws at me, and I am caught in the middle of an unknown chaos in my family. I have tried to accommodate everyone's emotions, up to the point when I just couldn't breath anymore but I just took everything in. I took every negativity in, I was "shoveling snow", it may be a petty thing to do but someone has to do it. I took on the task of shoveling snow, it was okay for me but I just couldn't understand why some people don't appreciate these little things others do for them. I also wonder why these people could hurt you as if you did nothing good to them, as if you didn't place any effort to make their lives a little easier. So the story is, I've done these little things but then I think someone in my family still thinks I don't deserve a little respect for what I did. I was hurt. I was really hurt, but I know I should get over it because that's how one solves the problem on hurt,you get over it. I did retreat for awhile, with all the chaos that been going on, I think my compensation is my right to step back. I took that step back and I thought things over especially about this endless string of problems.And let's say, what I have realized about life could be describe from one line in the book,

"As time goes on, you'll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself."

one question

I was caught off guard by a question. A question I didn't expect to come between "Hi's "and "How are you?" plus those silly topics and so it really took me a while to answer it.

It goes:

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE REALLY OVER ME?

My heart pounded like crazy but my mind felt like it stopped working. After a few seconds, I've realized there were tears in my eyes. I tried to answer the question, I scanned every corner of my mind looking for that moment when I was able to say that I have moved on or at least the time when I've 'decided' that I'm fine. I couldn't remember.

All I know was, the last time I saw him I wasn't over him. It was last year, a night out with him and the new girl of his life. (Yes, I know...it was totally masochistic to a agree to hang out with them.) Anyway,this was the only thing that came up when I tried to look for the answer in my head. So I told him about it but added "then a few months after that I was okay already."

So there...I said it. After a few months since I saw him, I was over him. I think he believed my answer. Good. Now, why can't I convince myself with that answer.

I doubt myself that I'm truly over him.Maybe the real question here is "HAVE I REALLY MOVED ON?"

confessions of a masochist

I was browsing my phone and I found a blog I made a year ago. I'm used to putting my ideas on my phone when I don't have a pen and a paper nearby.

I made it last May 18,2009.Here it goes. . .

>>>>>>>>

It started when I gave everything to someone. I became vulnerable. After a while, I was so into that person---I've fallen for him. I've fallen way down deep and I can't get out anymore. Then, he left. Just like that, my whole world tumbled down and he was nowhere to be found. I had only our memories for me to cling on and with those;I've tried to spend more time with him. I kept on playing them in my head as my way of keeping him but I never noticed those memories were tainted with the pain of his leaving.


I wanted to move on and get him out of my system. I was doing well in forgetting him, I didn't think of him as much as I did before. However, I can't do much anymore as if I don't have the strength to carry on with my life. I decided to listen to our songs, look at his pictures, and recall the words he said when he left. I found myself inducing the pain of the past to make me feel real again. That's when I've realized , pain makes me high.