haze from the cold days...

one question

2010-03-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

I was caught off guard by a question. A question I didn't expect to come between "Hi's "and "How are you?" plus those silly topics and so it really took me a while to answer it.

It goes:

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE REALLY OVER ME?

My heart pounded like crazy but my mind felt like it stopped working. After a few seconds, I've realized there were tears in my eyes. I tried to answer the question, I scanned every corner of my mind looking for that moment when I was able to say that I have moved on or at least the time when I've 'decided' that I'm fine. I couldn't remember.

All I know was, the last time I saw him I wasn't over him. It was last year, a night out with him and the new girl of his life. (Yes, I know...it was totally masochistic to a agree to hang out with them.) Anyway,this was the only thing that came up when I tried to look for the answer in my head. So I told him about it but added "then a few months after that I was okay already."

So there...I said it. After a few months since I saw him, I was over him. I think he believed my answer. Good. Now, why can't I convince myself with that answer.

I doubt myself that I'm truly over him.Maybe the real question here is "HAVE I REALLY MOVED ON?"

confessions of a masochist

2010-01-25T01:28:00.000-08:00

I was browsing my phone and I found a blog I made a year ago. I'm used to putting my ideas on my phone when I don't have a pen and a paper nearby.

I made it last May 18,2009.Here it goes. . .

>>>>>>>>

It started when I gave everything to someone. I became vulnerable. After a while, I was so into that person---I've fallen for him. I've fallen way down deep and I can't get out anymore. Then, he left. Just like that, my whole world tumbled down and he was nowhere to be found. I had only our memories for me to cling on and with those;I've tried to spend more time with him. I kept on playing them in my head as my way of keeping him but I never noticed those memories were tainted with the pain of his leaving.

I wanted to move on and get him out of my system. I was doing well in forgetting him, I didn't think of him as much as I did before. However, I can't do much anymore as if I don't have the strength to carry on with my life. I decided to listen to our songs, look at his pictures, and recall the words he said when he left. I found myself inducing the pain of the past to make me feel real again. That's when I've realized , pain makes me high.

NO MORE ellipsis . . .

2010-01-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis ) (apostrophe and elipsis mixed).

Before, I often use ellipsis ( as you can see on my previous blog entries). I used it either to indicate an unfinished thought or trail off in silence. But most of the time, I improperly use it at the end of every sentence. I don't know why I use it a lot but I think subconsciously I meant there's still a continuation to my story. Maybe because I used to think that with all the pain I was going through, there was still a 'happily ever after.' waiting to finish my story.

But I know better now, I'm no longer obsessed with the 'happy ending' stuff. I've seen a little of the harsh reality and I know there's still a lot to come so I better be ready---there's no prince charming who will come and save me.

Now I know that when pain comes, it should end there. I must put and end to it right away because I don't need to wait for someone or something. I can put an end to it. After all, what's the point of prolonging the pain when I know I can make it stop.

LOST

2010-01-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

I feel empty. I was always a drifter but now my soul has drifted from me. I need to find it, and when i do...i know i should stop wandering. i must set my goal and work on getting it now. Not tomorrow,but NOW.

ironic.

2010-01-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

lying on my bed, looking at the ceiling of my room as the gloomy weather outside seem to find its way to me. i'm listening to a playlist of songs of my past which i try to run away from. IRONIC. i've been trying to run away from the past which i would really, by heart,would like to go after.

welcome back my-old-less-caring-self

2009-11-28T04:51:00.000-08:00

I tried to be a caring and showy friend but I guess timing was not on my side. I wanted to be there for someone but I got rejected. So now, I’ve decided to welcome back my-old-uncaring-self or maybe just my-old-less-caring-self because I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore.

I used to be a safe person, I don’t take risks before and so I save myself from rejection. I used to be a very passive person, I always wait for them to come to me, instead of reaching out---it worked out just fine.

It worked perfectly for my ego, at least back then, I can be charged with negligence and still not care about it because that’s just me, I’m a person who always wait for the other end to meet me where I stand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a VIP. I’m just the laid-back-happy-go-lucky-girl who doesn’t want to leave her comfort zone especially when it comes to relationships and effort.

Generally, I’m a risk-taker but not with relationships (not anymore). I don’t like not being appreciated for my efforts because when I do give, I pour it all out.

~~RISK-TAKER + FEAR OF REJECTION or FAILURE = RELATIONSHIP~~

---I know it doesn’t add up, but that’s me…an equation with an error.

I’ll always be misunderstood especially by people not willing to spend a moment of their precious time to figure me out. I don’t have a lot of people around me who truly get me, but I’m really grateful for those few real friends for they saw that there’s more than the “Hazel” that meets the eye,

…and I know they wouldn’t mind having my-old-less-caring-self around.

beyond repair

2009-11-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

I know I shouldn’t miss you but I really do. That empty feeling is back again and it’s my fault. Shouldn’t have peeked in your profile, shouldn’t have browsed your photos, and shouldn’t have gone on-line--- lot of “shouldn’t have’s” .

I don’t like having this emptiness as my company. Thinking of you this way scares the hell out of me but I just can’t help myself. Imagine, just a glance at your recent photo and I found myself searching your face anywhere I went. Yes, it’s that bad.

I am beyond repair.

11:41pm
November 20, 2009

moving in circles

2009-09-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

1:48am
September 27, 2008

An empty space. A gap. A hole. A missing piece.

No matter what I call it, it doesn’t change the fact that it is there. Or should I say something is not in there. It makes me think about what exactly did I lose…is it a person? a thing? a feeling?

I try to keep myself busy with other things and occupy every corner of my mind with anything…anything but you. So now, I really don’t know if I’ve moved on or I’m just in a pre-occupied state. Friends, school, DVD marathons, and endless Facebook games---I’m alright. I just can’t explain why I sometimes find myself listening to songs of our past. One single song would start a long playlist of memories in my heart. That ignored feeling of emptiness just sneaks into my life like a ghost of past and it’s so hard to get rid of it. I have to go to another long process of struggling to push that ghost away, only to realize I couldn’t touch it to make it move.

Sleepless nights. Countless books. Endless hours of internet. Hundreds of SMS sent. Continuous hang-outs. I go back to my ritual of keeping myself preoccupied to make it go away.

I make myself busy. A song. Stream of memories. That same old empty space. Loneliness. The cycle goes on and on.

What do I do with it? Nothing. It has become an addictive habit.

I know soon I would drown deeper into it and it would be the end of me.

internal confusion

2009-06-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

okay...so i'm all set to go to manila and find my first job...i've packed my things, i've dealt with all the requirements which might be needed for the job-hunting process, and i've also set my mind to live on my own and find a job for myself....

but, a day before i leave bicol...my auntie and uncle wants to talk to me...so i called them up, and they said i should pursue my degree in accountancy...i told them that i didn't pass the qualifying exam for the accountancy program,which means 1 sem to go with 5 subjects to take...i didn't qualify to enroll again as bs accountancy student....but they said i should try to find a way to get back to that program because i'll lose a lot of opportunity if i didn't...

i told them, i'm already a graduate of the course bs management and accountancy but my uncle said that management can be easily learned while accountancy is a profession which makes a lot of impact...he said i should not worry of the expenses...so i said i will try...

i want to become a cpa (who doesn't?) but i don't think i have the capacity to live the dream...i want to become a cpa because i agree that life would be a lot different if you have a title but i don't know if i have what it takes to finish it...

i'm wondering, what if i can enroll again for the accountancy and graduate with that degree...but what if i have the degree but i can't have the title "CPA"...

the road to zahir...

2008-05-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

"Until one morning i wake up and i realized that i was thinking about something else and i know that the worst is over...my heart might be bruised but soon it'll recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more...it happen before and it will happen again,when someone leaves it is because someone is about to arrive.."
--- THE ZAHIR by PAULO COELHO

i haven't read the book but this line quoted by my friend in her blog caught my attention ...it's basically the goal of what i'm going through...

i'm not sure if i woke up with that one morning already....there's still a little part in my heart which continues to beat for that person though right now i'm trying to walk away....i'm trying to let it all go for the last time...for the last time, i want to do this for myself...i got tired of thinking of the one i love...coz the one i love doesn't think of me anymore...nor cares about me...i also got tired of just hearing people's advice about "loving your self",this time i won't only be hearing---i'll be listening...i know it wouldn't be easy but it will be WORTH IT..maybe it will be a long process but at least it will take me somewhere than hurting myself for holding on too long and realizing i was holding on to NOTHING...someday, the worst will be over and i'll be able to see the world...the real world and not the world i built around that person...after indulging myself with thousand of sunsets and raindrops...time will come that i will have the strength to face the sunrise with my heart feeling better...i'm waiting for that one morning...i'm waiting as i sleep my way of lullabies and dreams to that ONE MORNING...

if only...

2008-03-31T04:12:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if I have a problem with my personality. It seems I’m always misinterpreted and viewed as deviant. When I think I’m doing the right thing to help out a friend that’s the time I get to be seen like a bad person. What’s the problem with me? Is it because I have a different approach in dealing with others? Is it because I’m weird and have an unusual view on things around me? Or am I just a terrible friend?
There were many instances in my life that made me doubt myself. Although, some people would say that no one should change for anyone, sometimes I just wish I did. I think that I have to change my whole personality but I know that it will be hard. I’m comfortable with myself being like this but maybe I’m not considering others or maybe the other way around. In this case, I know I’ve done my part to meet them halfway and I expect the other half to carry it out so it will okay. It leads me to two more questions----Was my effort not enough to meet them half way? ---or was I expecting too much?
I’m not a strong person, but I wear a mask to appear like one. I have my feelings which I make an effort to hold it back so I won’t look so feeble. In most of my problems, I’ve cried my heart out and have let trouble defeat me in my own territory. I’ve been a wounded warrior and it took me a lot of time to learn my way through all these battles. If I would change now, that means going through all those swords, spears and guns intended for me. I don’t think I still have the courage like that of the lion in “Wizard of Oz” or the protesters who continue to fight for their principle with water cannons aimed at them. The fact that I have to return to a kind battle where I would lose my being, which I’ve struggled to find, makes me worry.
My dilemma continues. I don’t know if it will be worth losing my self once again and still I want to be a good friend. For me, I think I’m alright with the way I am right now but with these things happening I can’t recognize how should I be. Others will probably say just be the person you want to be but how could I do that if there’s conflict in the situation. It makes me sad that what I thought was okay turns out to be different. Sometimes I just feel like crying when I’m misunderstood because it hurts my feelings especially if I have a really good intention in doing something. It compels me to cry but I hold back my tears long enough so that no one will see. I try to hide it all inside and draw a smile in my face but if only they knew, that I’m like a burnt coal---cold and ashy on the surface but burning with too much pain in the core.

a letter for someone...

2008-03-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

i know i will never have the guts to tell this to you personally nor to send you a letter...so i'll just make a blog that only a few people and i can read...coz here i feel like being myself....speaking of being not myself...for a few weeks now,i seem so weird and my soul seems to keep wandering around...

anyway, i just want you to know...i really try to keep my distance from you...but you know your way to me...for some reason i don't understand...you seem to know just exactly what to do to make me crawling back to you...i admit i really want to walk away...coz i'm tired and i would like to give myself time to heal...i just think i need some time off...just as you do, you need time and space without me around bothering you...i want to be away for the simple reason that i know...you can live your life without me...i don't even have to explain because you know what i mean... the way you would ignore me while we are talking on the phone...and when your phone draws your attention while we are chatting on the net...i just know.

when you hear me crying on the phone...you tell me cold words...maybe you're fed up with me being emotional and pessimistic...but sometimes, i just miss that someone i met few years ago...that person was gentle...kind...caring...and sweet...that person was also emotional and understood what i was feeling...i miss "you"...

you've changed...but i'm alright with that...i still love who you are right now...and no matter how you've changed physically and emotionally...i will always be around...i will always love you...

i've done so many attempts to run away from you but i just can't succeed...i'm my own enemy...

haziness...

2008-03-02T22:12:00.000-08:00

there are so many parts in my life that i could not see clearly...i don't know were i'm heading...what i'm sure of, is that this road i'm taking will bring me somewhere far...somewhere far but unfamiliar...maybe when i get there, i'll be happy...i'll be much stronger...and i just hope when i'm in that place already, i don't have to force myself to believe that someone loves me too...i don't have to force myself to believe i still can go on when my heart's been broken into pieces...i don't have to cry myself to sleep...maybe just maybe...i'll be appreciated for who i am...what i have and what i do...

SHE deserves LOVE...

2008-02-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

i really don't like how my sister acts lately...especially the way she treats my mom..yeah, maybe she's just being 'caring'...but i don't think she does it the nice way...i mean...i don't think she has to yell at my mom just to show her point...my mom's really hard-headed and all...but i know she doesn't deserve to be treated that way...

a few days ago,my sister scolded my mom for not taking her meds on time..(yeah,you got that right..it's my sister scolding my mom...not the other way around...) i really didn't like how she raised her voice because i think what my mom needs now is attention..just like anyone else... anyway, my mom's reaction to my sister that time was really just calm...she didn't get mad to my ate...she even made a face when i looked at her and my ate was not looking...i just smiled...and my mom did too...but i know deep inside...she was hurt..i know for sure, those words coming from my ate went straight to my mom's heart and stabbed it...

if only i could shout and defend my mom...i could have reminded my sister how my mom sacrificed so much for us...how she would cheer us up when she knows how sad we were...and how she would protect us when my dad scolded us...

but i didn't yell back at her...i just stayed there and just quietly finished my dinner...then after that, i told my mom..."take your medicines..." and hugged her...i know it's not enough to mend her hidden breaking heart...but it was all i can do for her...

i just want my sister to show my mom some respect...yes, i know my ate has always been the talkative one..but i don't think it's the right thing to do now...my dad's not here anymore...it's just us in the family...and i think my mom deserves to be taken care of...after all, she took care of all us when we were still little...and up to now, she still does...

i love my mom...and as long as i could i'll take care of her...

i love walking in the rain

2008-02-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

i love walking in the rain...i love feeling the raindrops as they fall against my skin...i love the fact that they just fall from the sky when the clouds have too much water...i like knowing that they just go and even though they don't know where they might fall into...it inspires me...i wish i was like a raindrop, who would just fall when my time is up...and just let nature takes it toll on me...i would like to fall from the sky and even though i'm not sure where i'm heading...i would take a leap of faith and see where would my fall lead me...

i wish i'm as brave as a raindrop.

........i would now go on...i'll walk again in the rain and let them show me how good it is...how good it is to fall.

i don't know where to start...

2008-02-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

i don't know where to start with my blog...and it only reflects my situation right now...i'm back to square one..but going back doesn't mean finding the start...

it's like falling from a cliff and the moment you hit the ground everything seems to be so blurry...and you realize you didn't enjoy the fall because as you were falling, your eyes were shut...but then, you feel your body starts to shiver...all of a sudden, you feel the pain streaming through your whole being...you now become aware you were hurt badly...

then...

i start to fall on my knees and dig my face on my cold bare hands...

and the tears keep falling down my face...

i've loved.i've fallen.i'm lost.i'm broken.i still love.